Today, at the desk of the court yard of KITP, I was sitting on a chair, in a relaxing mood, with a decaf cofee provided at the cookie time. I was thinking about some small ideas of a new application of AdS/CFT to nuclear physics. It was really a happy moment. I was alone. In the lobby, a lot of physicists discussed physics with coffee and cookies. But I liked to be out of the lobby once, to breathe fresh air, to see the blue sky of Santa Barbara.
I suddenly again realized that I myself has changed. I guess, if it were 4 years ago when I came here last time, or 9 years ago when I was a PD here, I would have tried not to be out of the lobby where everyone gathers for insightful discussions. Now I like to be out. Why?
I remember that 9 years ago I was so eager to have chat with many excellent physicists who visited the institute. If I could talk with anyone on physics, I was so satisfied. I believed that it was how I could survive this foreign country. I think that was true for me at that moment. Everyday I was so excited and depressed. When I could have a nice discussion, I felt so proud of myself. But when I couldn’t, I got really disappointed, and I felt I was no use here. In thay way, my days continued with high up and down. My English was terrible, and in most of the days I could not speak a word, at lunch tables. So, it means, in most of the days, I was depressed.
After 9 years since I have left Santa Barbara, I have been in Japan, and there I guess I brought up my identity in physics, by publishing my papers. It took really long years, almost 10 years, to come to this feeling. Now I am not necessary to be too eager to join anyone’s discussion. I am ashamed to tell you this kind of story. If you are a physicist, some of you may understand my feeling, but some others may take much shorter period to reach this kind of phase. But in my case it took 10 years.
I recognised that I changed a lot. Does this just mean that I got just old? Probably yes. But if this is the main reason, then I need to be very careful. This way of change would surely change my way of doing physics. This is a serious question.
The blue sky, the blue oscean, the sound of waves, and the white seashore: this is a perfect combination. I vividly remember the time when I had a discussion with a professor, walking along the oscean. It was a wonderful moment. Now I am at the same place; which is just enough for me to have a very satisfactory feeling.
Thanks to my friends, I am not lonely. I wouldn’t feel like this if I could not do any discussion at KITP. I love discussions. I look forward to my future discussions, and more connections with my friends through the discussions.
